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favorite tropes as memes
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭