Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
iPhone X
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first