Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
lmfao
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.