bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”