[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
You Might Also Like
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
#Caturday
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.