what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.