Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?