Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail