Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
That’s not how days work.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted