4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
what does he know…
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all