My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?