My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
🤣🤣🤣
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.