Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
it be like that
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
how to have an accident 101
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here