FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.