If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.