So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.