Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next