“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
This is painfully accurate 😅
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.