Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday