What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”