[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I only eat vegetarians.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.