To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.