Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??