Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
somebody come look at this
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride