[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
is this meant to deter me
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.