How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*