Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
is this a threat
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.