The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
#NeverForget
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN