[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.