During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
You Might Also Like
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.