Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Snapes on a plane.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Day 2 of my diet
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.