[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
You Might Also Like
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”