People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Huge, if true.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.