Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.