Posting this on behalf of a friend
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
That eye roll….
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get