“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”