My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
This story is comedy gold 😂
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Modded the new Gran Turismo
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.