‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could