*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My dad is at it again
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Never let them know your next move 😂
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…