Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
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couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My boss called in sick of me
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.