It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.