I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people