Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks