“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils