Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
how to have fun when you’re poor
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”