you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
“what’s it like having a sister?”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
definitely did not do anything wrong
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.