What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You Might Also Like
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍