It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.