a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Saturday
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.