ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
This meeting could have been a cake
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.